Speaking your truth involves the three “C”s: commitment, courage, and compassion. Let’s begin by taking a look at the first “C”–Commitment. In your relationships, who and what are you committed to? If being authentic and speaking your truth is important to you, then it’s crucial that you make a commitment to yourself, first and foremost. Commit to knowing what’s going on inside of you. What are you really feeling in response to other people’s words and actions? How does their behavior fit with your values? Where are your limits, and are they being respected? What do you need, and are those needs being honored? What would you want to say if you weren’t afraid of the other person’s reaction?
The first “C” also stands for making a commitment to healthy relationships. I’m not talking about a commitment to a time frame (e.g. “till death do us part”) nor to a structure (e.g. traditional marriage). I’m talking about a commitment to the type of experience you want to have in your relationships. For example, a commitment to fairness, equal sharing of power, respecting each other’s needs and limits, and being honest and direct. Know thyself, and know what you want in your relationships. You have to know what your truth is, before you can speak it!
Next comes Courage. Once you know what you want and don’t want, and you are aware of when your limits are being pushed or trampled over, it’s your job to stand up for yourself. Sometimes it seems easier to not rock the boat. You may worry about hurting the other person. You might be afraid of losing the relationship, completely. What if your truth really pisses the other person off? That might be scary, but what is it costing you to NOT speak your truth? If you’re stuffing a heap of anger and building up a laundry-list of resentments, that stress is taking a toll on your well being. Having courage means taking the risk to express your anger. Courage means not caring about the untrue thoughts about you that are roaming around inside someone else’s head. Courage means saying “No” when you mean “No”, and sticking to it. Imagine speaking your truth, courageously, and notice how you feel in your body. Take a moment to close your eyes, and imagine that, right now.
As you visualized yourself, speaking your truth with courage, you may have noticed that your spine felt strong, and you stood up tall. You may have felt grounded through your hips, legs, and feet. Maybe you sensed a powerful energy circulating through you. Maybe there was a fire flashing in your eyes or a full expanse of breath filling your lungs and chest. Courage comes when we are centered within ourselves, aligned with gravity, and aligned with our own truth. How will the other person react? Well, that’s their own business.
I often recommend an article by Tom Kenyon called “On the Nature of Boundaries”. He addresses the pitfalls of a type of spiritual philosophy he calls “New Age Bullshit” (NAB). Kenyon writes, “I think that one of the NAB’s currently in vogue is the notion that one should let down one’s guard and be fully and completely open… I think this idea is potentially dangerous and here’s why. We have many levels to ourselves. At one level, the transpersonal, we may be spirit, unbounded by time and space, but at another level we are mammals…We have biology…And our psychological health depends upon balancing our transpersonal (out-of-time) aspects of “self” with our personal (bound by time) aspects.”
Here are two more NAB’s that you might recognize. Both of these can stand in the way of standing in your truth: 1) “Anger is a negative or harmful emotion.” 2) “To be a “spiritual” person, you have to be “nice” and “positive” all the time.” Kenyon states, “Finding your truth and acting on it regardless of how others might react is the benchmark of personal sovereignty.” And sometimes, this involves the expression of anger. You might need to rock the boat, and other people might not like it. That takes courage!
So, what about Compassion? Didn’t I just advise you not to care what the other person thinks of you? Not caring about the other person’s reaction is different from not being compassionate. Of course the other person has their own needs and wants, values, and limits. Compassion means listening to what the other person is saying and really “getting” them. Compassion is holding a non-judgmental space to witness the other person. To speak your truth with compassion means to take responsibility for your own feelings. Name-calling, blaming, shaming, or making threats is aggressive, and that’s not compassionate. To say “You are an idiot!” is not speaking your truth. That’s making a judgment. Your truth is how you feel and what you want and need.
If you can view the other person from a higher perspective, you can have compassion for the challenges they are facing (both inner and outer challenges). From that lofty vantage point, you might also feel compassion for both of you…Here are two souls in the midst of an evolutionary process, doing the best they can. We all make mistakes and act from old patterns, at times.
As we enter 2012, it’s time to co-create new, more sustainable ways of living on the planet. If you want your relationships to thrive and to sustain love on the planet, I encourage you to make a renewed commitment to be true to yourself, this year. Have courage, speak your truth! Stand in your power, with love and compassion in your heart.